Monday, November 21, 2011

And she surfaces

Where have I been?  I don’t really know.   I’ve been right here.
All I know do is my life flashes by and I glance at my blog and realize I haven’t posted since November 5th.  Oh, forgive me sweet blog readers… if there are any blog readers still out there.

But even though I haven’t blogged all about it,  my life has been going on.  I have been parenting, cooking, and potty training… 
I have been half- homeschooling, and managing all the creative energies that build up in this house of 5 1/2.   I have had moments of triumph and trial recently… but just not a lot of motivation to blog about it all.

Then why do I feel so guilty about not blogging?
Is it because I feel I owe you something?  Maybe because I know that “real” blog gers blog every day and I tried to be one of those for a while--- and I just couldn’t keep up with it.   I wanted so badly to be “one of them” for a while.  To have a voice… a platform, an influence.

Maybe I feel guilty because it’s like some sign that I don’t have much to blog about.  Is my life so mundane?  Will you think my life is boring?  Will you even want to read my blog anymore??

I feel for some weird reason I have let someone down.  

Or maybe I feel exposed--- finally, all can see I can’t get it all done.  She isn’t super mom.   She can’t even find time to blog. 
And how can I encourage you to press on in mothering when I can’t even encourage myself to do that joyfully?? 

Maybe you can’t relate to the pressure to blog…
        But do you ever feel like this on Facebook? 
I have no Disney pictures to share, my kids didn’t say anything cute and adorable today, my husband didn’t surprise me with a romantic dinner out.   Maybe my life isn’t as great as “sally’s”. 

So you scan the statuses and just can’t think of anything to say…and you don’t want to be a Debbie Downer or Complaining Cathy… so you don’t update your status at all. 

Friends---  those awesome blogs that fill our Google Reader.  They aren’t perfect either.  Yes, they are great blogs, and they have great things to say…but they aren’t perfect. They don’t love their kids perfectly or enjoy their days all the time.  Their lives aren’t one perfectly knit together fairytale.   Yet if you are like me, you read those blogs with half a heart to learn and be encouraged, and the other half of your heart finishes reading and you walk away discontent, comparing your life, your parenting, your house, your craftiness, etc. 

So I am surfacing today to say I don’t want to compare myself to them, or to you.  I put all these expectations on myself that I just can’t meet.  Instead of comparing myself and critiquing my life to pieces… I am going to be me.  Flaws and all… imperfect mother, not so tidy household, without a meal plan in sight (at least this week).   But I do know what we are having for dinner tonight… see there I go again, trying to make you think I have it together.  
I don’t have it together… really, what I need to do is get off this computer and actually start cooking the dinner that you think I have so strategically planned for.

And realistically…You probably think none of those things above.   But the expectations I put on myself and the image I want so badly to portray, assumes you must think those things.  You must think I am a total let down.  When in reality, you probably are thinking
“Umm, you’re a mom of 3 and pregnant, and while we love when you blog, we don’t expect anything from you”

So thanks.  Thanks for being faithful friends.  And letting me be me.  A mom.  Who is currently swamped in this call to motherhood. 
When the fog clears a bit… I'll try to blog about it.  Or maybe I shouldn’t wait till the fog clears, cause maybe it never will.  And maybe you want a foggy blogger.  Blogging about the realities of the fog… 

Ok.  My moment of blog therapy is over.  I really need to go make dinner now.   

Happy mothering friends… the fog is worth it. 

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men,or of God?
Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying
to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ”
Galatians 1:10

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving
for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”   
                       2 Corinthians 4:17